


The fall

by CrazyChicken



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:49:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyChicken/pseuds/CrazyChicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kendall has fallen for many different things in life, but when he falls for James it's harder and it's faster than he ever imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first (and probably my last) work in this fandom (but never say never). I wrote this a year ago, which is something I believe you should be aware of, for some reason or another. It's like an excuse. "It's okay if this sucks because I was young and naïve back then." But I guess if you read between the lines it might actually not be that horrible. ;) And if not, I am genuinely sorry.
> 
> I realise the first person narrative might be a bit awkward, but I figured that if I'd change it, the story might sound even worse, or forced.
> 
> English is not my first language and this has not been beta'ed, so I apologise beforehand for any mistakes. In case you find any, don't be shy to point them out to me. I like feedback ;)

_There’s something about falling. Something irresistible. Something that we can’t define and makes us start to fall at a young age. And as a matter of fact, we never stop falling. ___

____

 

__The fact that James Diamond is the most handsome, prettiest and most attractive male I have ever met is an indisputable fact. That is not even a matter of opinion; already in kindergarten we knew that James would grow into a body of perfection, not only because he was born with lucky genes, but mostly because he was always occupied with his looks. He was determined to be beautiful and stay beautiful forever. For all of us, picture day was an important and bit of stressful day because we had to look good on the picture, but for James it was ‘The Day’. James found his own style of clothing at a very young age, too. My mother used to buy all of my clothes until I turned fourteen, but James already had his own taste at seven. He was years earlier than all other boys from our year. Soon enough, it made all of us come to a simple conclusion: James had fallen in love with appearance._ _

__Then there was Logan. Although he had the genes, he didn’t care for beauty much. As soon as we got out of kindergarten and started to learn simple things, learning more was all he wanted to do. At that age it didn’t really matter to him _what_ he would learn, as longs as his head would be filled with things he didn’t know before. It must have had something to do with his need to feel useful. He could only sit still for hours if he knew it would eventually lead to progress, although he didn’t know how to explain it at the time. In some way he only felt satisfied when he gained knowledge. It was his kind of beauty, so to speak. He had fallen for knowledge._ _

__Carlos was the first one to get bullied. It was a sad story, but lucky for him, it stopped just as quick as it had started. The whole thing lasted no more than three months, but apparently it was long enough to leave scars. Ever since those few months he has been obsessed with protection. The first time I slept at his house after the bullying I heard him screaming in the night. It was probably just a nightmare, but it was scary to hear him begging for mercy and shouting that he just wanted to hide out. When he turned eight he asked for a helmet and I don’t think I have ever seen him without it since. Besides his safety, he also lost himself in food. I’m not sure if it was really a disorder or that he just loved food, but I have never truly worried about him, because his weight seemed to stay normal. Yet he never stopped choosing food over beauty or knowledge; he fell for food._ _

__And then, there’s me. People who know us always say that I’m the normal one, because I have no obsession. They are mistaken. I do have an obsession. In fact, I have several obsessions that change all the time, and when one fails the other takes over. A band, skating, football, another band, guitars; I have gone through all of it. But apparently people don’t see it because they don’t think it’s something that sets me apart from the others. But if I’m honest, I think I fall the hardest. For example, I have fallen for ice hockey. I grew up with it, not because I was born on the ice, but because I loved it so much. It had a way of cooling things down when things were heating up in my head. Hockey was the only thing that would always be there. Even when everyone else has deserted me, and everything didn’t turn out the way I planned, and I was at the bottom and had no idea how to get up, hockey was always there to take my mind of things and get my life back on track. Hockey is _my thing_._ _

__None of us has ever cared about girls a lot. Of course we started looking at them at a certain age, especially Carlos and Logan, but we never seemed to be at that typical age, when all boys think about is _girls girls girls_. It may have been the ice that kept us cool, it may have been the bonds that kept us together. We were always occupied with each other, what the others did and liked and what we ourselves did and liked. With our kind of friendship and our passion for ice hockey there simply seemed no time for girls. It was a silly excuse that I kept up for years. Until a few months ago._ _

__\--_ _

__It was a September summer night and Jo and I were having a nightly picnic. We had left most of the food untouched because neither of us was feeling very hungry and I had taken her in my arms. We were lying with our hands intertwined looking at the starry sky and I thought everything was perfectly fine, when she sat up and said: “Hey Kendall, I need to ask you something.”_ _

__The look on her face made clear that everything was _not_ perfectly fine. Let it never be said that I am an expert at unravelling facial expressions or body languages, but it was obvious there, as if the words literally lay in her eyes._ _

__“Sure,” I said, but I could hear my own voice tremble._ _

__Jo bit her lip as she hesitated. “You see, we’ve been seeing each other for a few months now and I really feel like I know you very well, you know. I mean, I don’t want to _rush_ things, but… you know…”_ _

__All of a sudden she stopped talking, as if she waiting for my “of course I know”, but with all honesty, I had no clue._ _

__“What do you mean?” I asked politely, raising my eyebrows. I hoped she didn’t take that as an insult._ _

__“You know, I was wondering… do you ever think about… you know, doing _more_?”_ _

__It took me a few moments to realise what ‘doing more’ meant. It didn’t mean she wanted to go climbing mountains or skating half pipes; it meant sex. When the realisation struck me I had to breathe a few times before anything would come out of my mouth._ _

__“O.”_ _

__It wasn’t that I didn’t want to – although I wasn’t sure about that either – it was just that I had never given it so much thought. Sex was something only matures did anyway and the idea that we were sixteen and practically on the edge of adulthood had never crossed my mind. Besides, I had never had real fantasies about her. I had never even imagined us having sex, let alone seriously considered it._ _

__The disappointment on her face was apparent when she let go of my hand. All of her movements seemed preparations to stand up and run away crying._ _

__“Jo, I didn’t mean we… I just didn’t see it coming.”_ _

__That seemed to calm her down. “Why?”_ _

__Now that I thought about it, there weren’t any good reasons. Boys were supposed to think about this rather than girls, right? Then why didn’t I think of it, not once, not for one second? I stared at the ground still trying to make up any reason, or any _excuse_ that would comfort Jo, but I couldn’t think of any, not even a lame one._ _

__She sighed audibly without trying to hide her irritation. “You really didn’t see it coming? All those signs I send out, weren’t those clues to you? I thought you weren’t that blind.”_ _

___I thought you weren’t that blind. I thought you were different._ Every tone in that sentence revealed her disappointment. Not in the situation, but in me. I bet she was right, because I still had no idea what she was talking about. She was a mystery._ _

__The standing-up-and-running-away-crying scene came to life again and this time I did nothing to stop it from happening. My mouth was open, but I didn’t know any more words that could make her stay._ _

__I watched her run from me as I listened to her sobs dying away. They weren’t loud but in the silence of the night and the feeling of my guilt they were as loud as my own heartbeat._ _

__\--_ _

__Lying on my bed with my arms folded under my head and my clothes still on, I couldn’t fall asleep. I wondered what I would do if I had to sign someone that I wanted to have sex with them. Did she start wearing sexier clothes? Maybe that new top had a lower cut, but it was still decent. Had she worn more make up lately? Not noticeable much more. Did she send out hidden messages encrypted in her sentences whenever she talked to me? I must have missed them. It didn’t surprise me. That girl always talked in mysteries, but I was given to understand all girls were like that._ _

__Why didn’t _I_ catch her signs? Was I really as blind as she said? Was there something wrong with _me_? Maybe I just wasn’t ready. Maybe it wasn’t my time and maybe my time would come one day, later, when I was an adult, when I had the right age._ _

__I decided to leave it at that and let it go. Nothing could change the situation at the moment, except a miracle maybe. _But miracles don’t happen._ I was adult enough to know that._ _

__\--_ _

__When I woke up the next morning I felt terrible. I hadn’t had a lot of sleep and felt like my limbs could fall of any moment. When I had made a humble breakfast, someone knocked on the door and when I opened up it turned out to be James with his shiny smile._ _

__“Hey, buddy. Lookin’ kind of bad this morning? I have something for those bags under your eyes, but I’m afraid I can’t fix that greasy bush on your head before school.”_ _

__I knew he really meant to be nice, but at that moment I didn’t really want to hear about _his_ obsession, because I had just lost my own current obsession: Jo._ _

__When he saw the look on my face – I went for anger, but I bet exhaustion was dominant – he closed the door behind him and his smile disappeared._ _

__“What happened?” he asked and I could tell he was sincerely worried._ _

__“Jo,” I said as if that would explain the entire situation, as if it would make everything okay._ _

__“What about her?” James asked, but he lost his attention. He walked over the table and took a bite of my toast._ _

__“She… I… miscommunication.”_ _

__James turned around and I saw a bit of red jam in the corner of his mouth. It reminded me of the time he wanted to be a vampire and ate strawberry jam for every breakfast, lunch and dinner, leaving it drop to his chin so it would look like human blood. Honestly, he hadn’t changed a bit._ _

__“Really, Kendall? You believe I understand what’s goin’ on by those three words? You’re gonna have to gimme a bit more.”_ _

__I sighed and sat down next to him. “It’s… never mind. We don’t need to talk about me. How was your…” I wanted to ask him how his day was, but I realised it was morning and I had seen him yesterday, so it would be useless to ask that. “…night?”_ _

__He looked as if he was excited to say something, but all he said was: “Good, I slept well.”_ _

__My head was full of question about why he was so excited, but I couldn’t formulate the exact words, because my mind kept being distracted by the recent events of last night. It kept playing back the nightly picnic scene and the running away scene and all the scenes before to the point where I first met her, but the clues I was still searching for where nowhere to be found._ _

__“There’s jam in the corner of your mouth,” I warned James._ _

__He smiled in appreciation and then wiped off the wrong side of his mouth._ _

__“No there… just a bit higher… wait.” I leaned in and wiped the red jam off his mouth and thoughtlessly licked off my finger._ _

__He looked at me in surprise and I looked back, unable to get track of the situation. James’ mouth hung open a bit, not in shock but in mere surprise. And suddenly, I saw the answer to all the questions I had been having since last night._ _

__Jo had started touching me more often. Subtle touches, like grabbing my thumb when talking to me, or leaning against my shoulder when sitting next to me. She had smiled at me in a different way, not because she was happy, but because she wanted to make something clear to me. Sometimes her fingers had slipped under my sleeve, not far, just so she could reach my wrist. The changes about her weren’t in her _looks_ , which I would have probably noticed, but in her behaviour. The reason I hadn’t noticed was that I wasn’t _interested_ in her. Not at all. And I had probably never been interested in her. I remembered how I always was interested in my friends and everything they had to say and how that probably kept us together, and I realised I had never felt that way about her. I liked her because she was good-looking and nice, but even when she was with me, my mind was never with her._ _

__Jo had never meant to me what I believed she had all the time._ _

__“Are you okay?” James asked. He was frowning anxiously and I almost didn’t recognise him without his pretty, pretty smile._ _

__“Sure,” I smiled. “Want more toast?”_ _

__I wasn’t really hungry anymore._ _

__\--_ _

__Although it should have been a real shock to realise that I had never cared about Jo at all, I was very relieved because it had explained a lot. At least, it had explained a lot to me. Why I sometimes forgot our appointments, for example, because I was messing around with my friends. Or why I hadn’t noticed any of her signs. Why I didn’t understand her. Why I went to prom to win the contest instead of to have a good time with her. Why I would rather let her go than risk any of our careers. Why she was always second choice._ _

__The rest of the day was a beautiful rush, as if I was living it in a daze. There were, of course, the awkward encounters with Jo in class, but I made sure James was there next to me. I saw him giving her a dirty look when she walked in and was grateful because he was on my side, but I knew she didn’t deserve this, though. I kicked his leg under the table and he looked up. I nodded at him and he understood. He just did, without me having to explain it to him. And I knew that he had understood me this morning when all I had said was ‘miscommunication’, even though he asked me for a longer explanation. He always understood me, which was why James and I were still friend and why Jo and I didn’t work out._ _

__It was all so clear to me now that I couldn’t see how I could have missed it all the time._ _

__But I knew it wasn’t fair. As I said before, Jo was a nice person. She didn’t deserve to be just _dumped_. She needed an explanation, at least. Maybe if I told her what I had figured out she’d understand and be happy with me, but I knew that was wishful thinking. To me, it had all become much easier, but she might actually _care_ about me. After all, she was the one who proposed to move things to the next level. That’s not something you do when you don’t care._ _

__As I fell asleep that night those thoughts wandered through my head, leaving me in a restless sleep once again. Although this time, I remembered how James had promised he could be able to fix the bags under my eyes the next morning._ _

__\--_ _

__I better had to get this over with, because I knew I couldn’t handle another sleepless night. It was a Saturday so it was one in the afternoon by the time I was all dressed. The nerves were playing with my stomach when I walked over to Jo’s apartment and the long silence after my two short knocks didn’t make it much better._ _

__Eventually she opened the door. Her hair was a mess and I could tell she had been crying. A lot. The nerves were now accompanied by guilt._ _

__“Hey.”_ _

__“Hey.” She smiled and I could tell why I had fallen for her once. She _was_ indeed beautiful when she smiled, even with red streaks across her cheeks._ _

__“I’m sorry about Thursday.”_ _

__“It’s okay.” She forced a smile. “I shouldn’t have run away.”_ _

__“No, that was completely right.”_ _

__We smiled and for one moment it felt the way we used to be. Just standing in front of each other with a lot of air between us. Too much air._ _

__“So we’re okay again?” she asked and I saw her hand move up to my arm._ _

__“No, we’re not okay.” I could feel my insides exploding. I was pretty sure they couldn’t handle so many emotions at one time._ _

__I saw Jo backing off immediately and I completely forgot what I wanted to say. There was no way I could explain it to her without hurting her feelings real bad, or using tons of clichés._ _

__“It’s just not okay. Can we leave it at that and just move on? It’s hard enough for me to come back and stand in front of you and I’m trembling like hell and not because things are okay, because things are not okay, but please, don’t ask me about it, because I really don’t feel like talking…”_ _

__She interrupted me with a kiss and suddenly I noticed how I didn’t feel my insides explode at that sensation. I knew that sparks should fly when you kiss, and when sparks don’t fly when you kiss, that’s a sign things are not okay._ _

__“For a guy who doesn’t like talking you do an awful lot of if,” she whispered. She smiled as if she was still in love, as if she didn’t understand a single word of what I had just said._ _

__“Well, that’s over now. Everything’s over.” I walked away without further ado, because I knew more words could make everything more complicated and more complications was definitely the last thing I wanted._ _

__I didn’t hear her calling after me or closing her door, so I assumed she stood there watching me walk away, but I didn’t dare looking over my shoulder. It was over. No undo’s._ _

__\--_ _

__I didn’t cry, because I was happy with the way things turned out. I lived in the same daze again for a whole week and after those seven days, when a new weekend started on a new Saturday morning, I burst out in tears. I cried and cried until my pillow was wet and then I turned it around and cried on the other side until it was drowning too. Then I sat up and hit my fist against the wall and cried and cried until James entered the room. He wasn’t wearing his leather jacket, but in his small T-shirt his muscles were even more prominent._ _

__Of course it wasn’t very manly to cry in front of your best friend, but because he was my best friend I didn’t care about being manly and I knew he didn’t either, at that moment._ _

__“I heard something was wrong,” he said, sitting down on the bed._ _

__“Mom told you?” I sobbed, trying to stop crying._ _

__“No, I was by the pool and I heard you crying.”_ _

__I looked up at him in surprise, but he smiled._ _

__“Of course your mother told me.” His smiled disappeared. “I’m sorry, this is not the time for jokes.”_ _

__I nodded, but then I shook my head. “It’s the perfect time for jokes.”_ _

__James looked down, playing with the rim of his T-shirt. It was a little shirt and crept up when he sat down, but I guessed James liked it that way._ _

__“I don’t know many jokes. I’ sorry, I’m not much of a jester.”_ _

__“It’s okay,” I said, smiling through my tears, that slowly started to fade. I put my hand on James’ arm, as if he were the one who needed comfort. “Everything’s okay.”_ _

__James looked up and smiled and winked. I laughed, because I knew that things were okay this way. Not perfect maybe, but okay. And that’s a lot better than things were with Jo._ _

__\--_ _

__That weekend the boys took me to the closest rink and we spent two full days on the ice. Apparently they knew it would cheer me up, and it most definitely did. I noticed how they agreed with anything I said, even when it was complete nonsense, but I assumed it was their way of cheering me up. And to be honest, I didn’t mind winning game after game._ _

__Afterwards, our bodies hurt, our muscles ached and our stomachs longed for a bit of food. Logan said he had this lovely pasta recipe he wanted to try and proposed to make it for us. Carlos was excited, like he was excited over _any_ food, but James and I had no more trust in Logan’s cooking skills since the Burnt Microwave Pizza Disaster of ’07. That’s why we were left to eat alone that night. James suggested to eat out and I agreed. I wasn’t sure if it was part of the cheering-up plan, but again, I couldn’t complain._ _

__We ended up at an Italian place. The place was dark and lit by a few candles here and there. It had something romantic, but I decided to leave not to think about that. I ordered spaghetti Bolognese and I realised how ironic it was that we were still eating pasta, after refusing Logan’s offer earlier that afternoon. James ordered the same and the waiter, who barely spoke English anyway, smiled. Later on we found out why. He brought an extra, heart shaped candle to our table, then only delivered one big plate of spaghetti instead of two separate ones. When I tried to explain the situation he just smiled and said that he was okay with it, “even though my country isn’t.”._ _

__“Well, here’s something I learned today,” I smiled._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“I’m not eating Italian with you again.”_ _

__James laughed. “Who’s the jester now, huh?”_ _

__“I never said you were a jester,” I said in my defence._ _

__“Yes, you did.”_ _

__“No, I didn’t. I laughed about a joke you made and then you said you weren’t a jester. That doesn’t mean I said you were.”_ _

__“Point,” James gave in and I realised it was the first time that day he had protested to something I had said. I liked it._ _

__We both stared at the plate for a while, until James said: “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. Mind if I start?”_ _

__I shook my head. “Not at all. Mind if I follow?”_ _

__At that moment and the thirty-five minutes that followed we had the same obsessive relationship with food that Carlos always had. We didn’t say anything but ‘mm’ and ‘this is good’ now and then and we didn’t stop eating until there was only one string left, which we eventually out in half. (No Lady and the Tramp scene. That crossed the line, in my opinion, although I could see the disappointed look on the waiter’s face.) James insisted on paying and by the time we got outside the sun had fully sunken. The Palm Woods was twenty-two minutes away with the bus, but we were in no rush. Our stomachs were so full we couldn’t walk fast if we wanted. Instead, we wandered to the bus stop nearby at a slow pace in comfortable silence, until James broke that silence._ _

__“Did you enjoy today?” he asked as the bus stop loomed up in front of us._ _

__“Yes, very much,” I answered with honesty. “Thank you, James.”_ _

__“Anytime.”_ _

__We sat down at the bench by the stop, thoughtlessly staring at the ground as we let the silence fall again. It was almost like I could hear it hit the ground. Sometimes one of us yawned. It was late and the day had been long._ _

__When the bus arrived I could barely keep my eyes open. The bus was half empty. An older couple, a young lady and a grubby looking man were the only passengers. When we sat down the bus drove on in a gentle swing and I had probably fallen asleep if it hadn’t been for James keeping me awake. I leaned to his shoulder and I could feel the warmth of his skin spreading through his shirt, his tensed muscles pushing to my arms. And I knew things were okay._ _

__\--_ _

__I didn’t remember falling asleep the next morning, but when I woke up could tell I was well rested. I was in no hurry to get up so I stayed in bed for thirty minutes, my mind wandering back to the places I had been the last couple of days. To the rink, to the Italian place, to the bus. Eventually I realised it was a Monday, a school day, and I wondered why I had woken up before my alarm clock. When I walked to the window and peeked through the curtains, I saw a very early morning glow around the Palm Woods. No one was getting in to check in. There was a man walking his dog across the street, but except for him everything was quiet. Looking at the clock I figured it was 5 am, which was a good explanation for why it was so quiet._ _

__Suddenly the crazy idea of skinny dipping in the Palm Woods pool struck my mind. Bitters would kill me if he found out, but I swore to myself he wasn’t going to find out. On the tips of my toes I walked out of my room to find my mom snoring on the couch. Even more silently I grabbed a towel from the bathroom and sneaked out of the apartment._ _

__At night the Palm Woods had a ghostly atmosphere. There were little lights that went on at movements so it looked like they came to life magically, yet everything was still and quiet._ _

__When I walked past James’ door I hesitated. There was no fun in swimming alone and it wouldn’t hurt anybody to take him with me anyway. Of course there was the chance of him killing me because I woke him up during his beauty nap, but it would be worth that risk._ _

__I knocked on his door. Two short knocks, a long one and three short ones again. It was my knock, so James would know it was me. Everyone of us had his own. We made them up when we built our tree house as seven year olds and it had a meaning at the time, but I forgot it. We barely used it now anyway, since we had little to knock about._ _

__I waited a minute, because I knew it would take James some time, but then he showed up. His hair was a mess and his eyes were half open, he wore a white T-shirt over his boxer shorts as pyjamas._ _

__“Kendall?” His voice was hoarse from sleeping, but it sounded good on him._ _

__“I’m going swimming in the pool and you’re coming with me.” Without giving him any time to think about what I said and without even given him the opportunity to make any decision I dragged him with me into the lobby. In the elevator I heard him mumbling something about the time, but I ignored him and smiled when we heard a familiar beep. The doors to the pool were locked but fortunately I brought the keys and one of them fit in the backdoor._ _

__“What in the name of the holy hockey stick are we... are _you_ doing?” James asked, while I was already undoing myself from my clothes._ _

__“Swimming.”_ _

__“In my PJ’s?”_ _

__“No.” I grinned, took of my short and before he could even take a look at any private parts I jumped into the pool. The water was refreshing against every inch of my skin. It was cold, because it was still early in the morning, but the Los Angeles kind of cold was a Minnesota summer. However, the absence of any clothes felt unnatural to me._ _

__When I came up again I breathed in deep, wiped my hair off my forehead and turned around to the side, where James stood watching me. His mouth was agape, but I assumed that was because he was still dreaming.  
“_ _

__Come on, it’s lovely when there’s no one around,” I invited him over._ _

__He hesitated a few seconds and then he nodded. I swam over to where he stood and held on to the side of the pool, looking up at my friend, who took the brim of his shirt and slowly starting pulling it upwards. I watched him revealing his six pack inch by inch as I tried to stay afloat._ _

__When he saw my eyes turned to his body, he pouted. “Don’t _stare_.”_ _

__“I’m not staring.”_ _

__“Yes, you are. Just, don’t.”_ _

__“Turn around if you’re so shy.”_ _

__He stuck his tongue out at me and then did what I told him to. He put his pants down just as slowly as he had put his shirt up, as if he was a stripper. He revealed a tan line and then his ass, white, but perfectly round and..._ _

__“Don’t _stare_ , I told you!”_ _

__I tried to look anywhere else, because I knew it was unfair to look when his cheeks were flushing pink like that. I looked at the tiles beneath his feet, at the towel on the chair and at the water he jumped in. Just before his body disappeared into the dark blue water, I saw a flickering of exactly what I probably wasn’t supposed to see. But I couldn’t tell why. It was enormous. It was nothing to be ashamed of. It was..._ _

__“Holy... Kendall! You’re doing it again.”_ _

__I saw James’ hands go down to cover himself. In the light of the upcoming sun I could see his cheeks go red, more with shame than with anger; I knew him good enough to tell._ _

__“It’s okay, man, what are you so afraid of?” I laughed as I try to keep some distance between us. Of course we had been friends for years and years, but I didn’t need to... well, be close to his nakedness._ _

__“Yeah, no, it’s just... you know, I’m beautiful, so it’s okay right? Yeah, but... No. I’m prudish.” He obviously wasn’t comfortable with that word, or with any word at all at the moment. His cheeks reached a climax of pinkness and I laughed at him. Laughed with him. Then I smiled at him and comforted him._ _

__“No need,” I assured him. “You’re perfect. Every part of you.”_ _

__As the words came out of my mouth I realised what had happened to me. I had gained a brand new obsession again. This time is wasn’t something new that I run into, something unfamiliar, and at the same time it was something I never experienced._ _

__I had fallen for James._ _


	2. Hitting the ground

_The falling is never the problem. It is the hitting the ground that makes falling so difficult._

 

Being gay is something that just doesn’t cross your mind for one second until you run into it. And then its strikes like lightning and breaks all the things you have been building up so carefully over the years, the plans and dreams created out of tiny little bricks, crashed in a matter of seconds.

I always fall into things fast, but I usually do see them coming. I see the abyss, I take a run and then I jump and fall, and sometimes I fly. But with Jams... the ground just stopped and without noticing what was going and, I fell.

I had no clue where I was going because I seemed to be blind, just like Jo said. Maybe she was right. Maybe I didn’t see anything coming, because I didn’t really look.

And looking back, I should have seen the signs. The way I saw the light when I licked the jam off his mouth, how I cried my heart out in front of him as if it were the most important thing in the world, the almost falling asleep on his shoulder. It was all very easy to tell afterwards, but I had been blind at the moment.

And what about James? Had he noticed my signs? Had I even sent out signs at all? Had he perhaps sent out any himself, that I had missed? What about the rest of our lives? Did I have to tell everybody what I had figured out? (Or rather ‘what I had been hit by’.) Could James and I be friends or would I get all giggly whenever he’d be around? Little chance, since I had never been like that in his company before, but one never knows how someone could change. But why would it change? Maybe I’d have to figure that out. And perhaps even most important: could James and I be more than friends?

There were too many questions in my head to fall asleep to, so I decided to get my bag for school ready.

School. I had to see James again, _really_ see him, not just think about seeing him. My feelings about that made me feel like a little school girl. I was excited to see him again, but I was also nervous and afraid. I thought about all the awkward moments that could pass between us when he met in the hallway until eventually I panicked and thought it was better to avoid him all day instead.

I had totally forgotten about time when my alarm went. A lot faster than usual – since I was already showered, and dressed – I got ready for school. I spent an extra long time in front of the mirror, to make sure everything looked James-like good, and an extra short time eating, because I was not hungry. I whistled while cleaning the table and when mom came in and asked me how I was, I kissed her forehead en hummed I was ‘perfectly great’. When James came to pick me up for school, his hair reached over his eyebrows and underneath I could see his tiresome eyes shining. He winked at me, like we had our own secret club, and it made my insides explode with nerves and happiness. I couldn’t stop smiling and the butterflies were all over the place. And for one moment, I couldn’t see how things had ever been different, or how we could ever end up differently than together.

I had turned into a hopeless romantic and at any other moment, I wouldn’t have liked that. But James was standing right in front of me, being one hundred percent perfection, and all I could do was grin like a schoolgirl.

\--

Over the day I started picking up signs. It was as if realising that I was in love was enough to get my complete vision back. Suddenly there were small signs everywhere around me. I saw the face of disgust on the Jennifers’ faces when Carlos started talking to them, the movements of Guitar Dude’s fingers and how James constantly tensed his muscles, relaxing them when he believed no one was watching. The way I saw everyone now felt like I was looking with new eyes, or with glasses on, for that matter. Suddenly a lot of things became clear to me, not only about James, but about everyone in class. I noticed how only two out of three Jennifers checked their nails every five minutes, and how Bobby kept sinking lower and lower down his chair, until he hit his red head against the back of the chair and, apparently, woke up. Throughout the day I finally received all the signs others sent out, whether it was consciously or not.

James had made me see the world through a whole new point of view, it seemed. A brighter view, obviously, but a brighter view isn’t always a better view.

\--

It was obvious that James hadn’t noticed any of the sudden changes. He stayed close to me all day, but not too close for two straight friends. Whenever Jo was close, he’d make sure I didn’t have to look at her, talk to her or even be reminded of her at all. He would start to talk about something he had read in Pop Tiger, or point at his own shoes and ask if I liked him – even though he knew I didn’t care about shoes at all – just for the sake of distracting me. He was being the same perfect friend he had always been. The only difference was that now I saw all of his perfections too.

History class was extremely boring. While Miss Collins went back to President Washington and far beyond, my eyes wandered off to James’ body. I took note of the way his feet and legs were folded underneath his chair and I subconsciously copied his posture. My eyes moved up to where his tight jeans were wrapped around his even tighter buttocks. His T-shirt hung just over his brown leather belt and I watched it move as he slowly breathed in and out. My eyes followed the curves of his strong tensed biceps and watched his tanned fist clench around a pencil. Before I could daze off in a daydream a piece of paper hit me in the face and it was coming from the subject of my observation.

I must have had been drooling, because the hand on which I had leant my chin was a little wet. I unfolded the piece of paper and read: _Everything OK? You look absentminded. X James._

Yes. Yes, I had been ‘OK’ before that crucial moment, but that ‘x’ made me feel beyond okay. Amazing. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I put two thumbs in the air and smiled to let him now there was no reason to worry about me. But maybe the fact that one little note from James made me feel the way it did was a sign that there were plenty of reasons to worry about.

For example, I started having fantasies. That part wasn’t new to me, but the part where James played a major romantic or sexual role in them, was. During history I imagined him being a prince, with a golden crown laid across his beautiful light brown hair. I was his first servant and had to accompany him at all times. I knew all his secrets, from the fact that he didn’t want to marry a princess to the confession he last bed wetted at twelve. At night, I had to take care of him when he was ill or in need of anything. I was always with him, bathing him... _God no_ , I thought.

I tried to put my mind on the next subject instead; maths. One thing I wasn’t particularly brilliant at. But the fantasies started again. Through the differentials and integrals I could see his face, frowning as he tried to explain me the equations we had gotten for homework. He looked at me in frustration when I still didn’t understand and before I could desperately apologise, his lips touched mine.

It was a much nicer way of spending my time in class than paying attention, but it didn’t feel right to me. For one thing, the object of my affection was sitting a few feet away. Also, I was afraid that the crazy fantasies, that I could only half control, would cross the line and I’d end up red-faced and half-hard by the time I had to face James again. I was certain that I couldn’t hide _everything_ for him, since he was a master at subtle signs.

Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe I could show him what I felt without crossing lines if _I_ sent out subtle signs. I didn’t know anything about subtleness, but now that I had a clearer view on the world, I could observe and learn from others, and I thought that was a stupid plan, but I also thought that was a great plan. I’d learn how to tell him everything without saying it out loud, and then we could be together.

\--

The shop was quiet. I had waited for half an hour, but it seemed it was safe to go in there. Anxiously looking over my shoulder, I entered the book store. It was probably a funny sight: I was wearing a long coat in the middle of an endless summer, a hat and sunglasses. But my goal was reached: people would never recognize me. I still made sure no one was watching when I took the magazines off the desk. They all looked fancy and pink and full of ugly faces that wore way too much make-up.

The man at the counter didn’t even look up at me in surprise as he said: “That’ll be ten forty please.”

I didn’t expect him to be this careless about a creepy man with sunglasses and a long coat buying teen girl magazines. On the other hand, I realised, he sold porn. I assumed he had gotten used through people buying magazines that didn’t fit their imagos throughout the many years he had worked at that local store. I gave him the money and asked for a bag. Then I went back to the Palm Woods as fast as I could, took off the fancy clothes and hid the magazines under my mattress before heading over to the pool, where James was waiting for me.

“Hey, princess,” he greeted me.

“W-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling my heart beat in the back of my throat. I hoped my cheeks weren’t showing my nerves, but they probably were; I felt them glow.

“You’re late. I thought princesses are always fashionably late.”

I lightly signed in relief. “Was it fashionable enough?”

“Certainly.”

I would never of my life forget the way he smiled at me. As the sun bathed his face in a gorgeous golden light, I was able to define the feeling growing in the pit of my stomach: love.

\--

The girl magazines I had bought turned out to be of good use. It was both interesting and hilarious to read what teenage girls thoughts, including the strange way they looked at guys. Without looking at the contents I had randomly grabbed some magazines from the girls’ section, but coincidentally they all included articles on getting a boy to like you. _Get that hotty’s attention!_ read one headline, and another said: _How can you tell when a boy likes you back?_ My personal favourite was _A short guide to signs: how to show him you like him_.

I spent a good part of the evening reading the magazines, making sure I didn’t miss one clue. Around one am I had made plenty of notes and I had a slight idea of how the next couple of days were going to be. As it turned out, the clue was to smile. It was right: James had the most beautiful smile, but I wasn’t sure if _smiling_ was enough to let him know I liked him. We smiled enough at each other, since we were friends. Friends smile at each other.

One magazine discussed the mirror-technique: the trick was to copy every movement he made. I was sure that I was going to feel silly, but I assumed they knew what they were talking about. I knew that would be a lot of hair combing.

Also, I had to give James compliments, gently touch his shoulder and talk in a lower register. I wasn’t sure about the last one, since I was boy and boy’s registers are always lower than girls’, but maybe guys with a low voice sounded more attractive, too.

The steps seemed rather simple and if I just followed the rules, it was going to be okay again. This was the plan. This thing was totally going to work out.

\--

“Hi, James,” I said in the most attractive way I could possibly find, making sure to lower my voice, and I smiled.

James replied with a similar smile. “Good morning, Kendall.”

Whether it was his original smile or the one he copied from me, it was a good sign, because both were ways to show someone you liked them. It made me feel victorious inside, but I knew it was just the beginning.

“You’re looking good today. Did you buy a new hair product or something?” I asked seductively as I stroked his shoulder and biceps. My new attitude felt as strange I had expected it would, but it still made me blush.

“No, just the old stuff. But thanks,” he added.

For a moment we stood in silence while I tried to get my heartbeat back to a normal pace. Then I proposed him to walk to class, somehow managing to speak in a lower register for most of the time. I purposely walked a bit closer to him than usual and every now and then I felt his arm brush against mine, and it sent shivers down my body.

I smiled, complemented and touched him all through the day and at the end of a long school’s day my vocal cords hurt from speaking in a different tone. I was so tired of playing a schoolgirl all the time, I was almost glad to go home and leave James for a while. However, when he asked me to go drink some coffee with him, I couldn’t refuse. He knew I was a huge fan of coffee and I knew he wasn’t, so I was stupid enough to hopelessly fall for it and, stupidly, believe it was some sort of date.

Of course it wasn’t. James had asked almost everyone at the Palm Woods to come. I had expected a romantic table for two, but got a crowded one instead. James was in the middle of the spotlight, getting all the attention from the girls who fell for his muscles, asking him if they could touch them, and James giving in easily. I hated those girls for that, not just because I was jealous – which I wasn’t – but because they were so superficial that they were blind to all of his other great features. They saw his pretty hair and his pretty face, but not the perfect friend _I_ knew.

Worst of all was that I could see James falling for their pretty faces, too.

\--

I spent the rest of the afternoon and a big part of the evening listening to Alanis Morissette. I had found _Jagged Little Pill_ a few months before, lost behind a cupboard. My mom used to listen to her a lot after dad left, but her voice had been absent in our house for a long time now. It was only on dark days that I recalled her songs, both sad and angry. It wasn’t my kind of music at all, but sometimes it made me feel good. She wasn’t the kind of person to sit down and drown in misery, a lot unlike me. She got up and wrote songs about it. Mad songs.

I lay on my bed with my headphones on so I didn’t have to bother my family with my temporary music taste. I didn’t cry. I just stared at the ceiling, thinking about how I could have sunken so deep, when I had felt so glorious this same morning. Did James seriously have such a big impact on me? That thought made me feel pathetic.

Just when I started to hate myself, I heard a know on the door. Before I could scream that I didn’t want to be disturbed, Logan entered, followed by Carlos.

“Hey, buddy. You looked kind of sad when you left the café. I just came by to check if everything’s alright.”

“Yeah,” I smiled, politely taking off my headphones and sitting up straight. “I’m just... I’m tired. Haven’t slept good in a while. Noises, you know. Maybe it’s the Palm Woods ghost again.”

“I told you!” Carlos immediately screamed at Logan, enthusiastically jumping because he had found someone who agreed with him on the ghost-matter. Logan, however, shut him up with one look and then suspiciously turned his eyes toward my headphones, that were still blasting _You Oughta Know_.

“Why are you listening to... this?” he asked concerned. “I thought this wasn’t...”

“...my kind of music, I know. I’m just trying some new things. It’s good to be open-minded to everything. By the way, Alanis Morissette isn’t that bad.”

Carlos recognised that name and made a face. “Isn’t that the chick Alicia used to listen to when she had forgotten to take her pills?”

Logan agreed. “Did you forget to take your pills, Kendall?”

I laughed his question away. “Of course not. Just... I found it when I was cleaning my room. I... I don’t like her that much, but I was curious. I’m okay. I will always be okay, remember?”

They knew me. I had gone through dark periods before. I had fallen so many times and I had always gotten up afterwards. They knew I was going to be alright, even though I hadn’t told I wasn’t okay in the first place.

Carlos seemed to have lost track of the conversation, but I saw Logan decided not to interrogate me anymore. Instead he asked me to come over to the pool with him, but I politely declined. Right now, all I wanted was a bed, a bag full of chips and Alanis.

\--

I woke up with sunshine in my body. I had just had the most beautiful dream and the dark feelings from last night made room for brand new hope, with which I started this lovely new day.

I ate one apple for breakfast, which was more than I had eaten the last week. I was whistling when I met James down the hallway.

“It’s Friday,” was the first thing he said.

“So?”

“So... no school tomorrow.”

I laughed at his crooked grin. When I stopped laughing I started smelting, because _god_ , that face was adorable.

“Do you have any plans?” he asked eventually.

I told myself right at that moment not to fall again, because I wasn’t sure if I could handle another night of music screaming in my ears. I told myself to not go with him, because I _knew_ it was going to end up just the same way. It wouldn’t be a date, and if I went with him I was only going to be disappointed. I decided to lie, but when I opened my mouth, somehow the truth came out.

“None.”  
“I’m taking you to the Hollywood sign.” It wasn’t a question anymore. He was taking me no matter what, but I realised that was only fair, after I had dragged him to the pool in the middle of the night in the same way. At least he gave me a heads-up beforehand.

I looked at him with great surprise. “Why? We’ve seen it so many times now.”

“Yeah, behind a darkened window glass,” James protested in a ‘obviously’ kind of way. “But we have never danced on it,” he added, whispering in my ear. Fireworks exploded between our bodies, but I wondered if I was the only one who saw the coloured sparks.

\--

Worries turned out to be unnecessary. When I arrived at the bottom of the hill I noticed I was the only one invited this time. James had brought a box of drinks. Alcoholic, that is. I didn’t drink often, so I felt a little uncomfortable. I wasn’t too familiar with my drunk behaviour and as far as I knew people started acting stupid when they were drunk. I was afraid I would spill out everything to James and tell him about my feelings in a way that wasn’t quite part of the plan.

At first I decided not to drink too much, but when I felt the nerves crawling up to my stomach, I regretted my decision and took another beer from James. I was sure I could never relax that night if I was constantly _aware_ of everything.

He raised his glass in the darkness of de night. “To Hollywood.”

“To dancing on the Hollywood sign,” I added before our bottles clashed.

After our first drink we headed upwards. We climbed the hill with a lot of laughter. We both had trouble finding our way in the darkness of the midnight hour, but the further we got, the easier it was to see, thanks to the Hollywood-spotlights. Ironic. I always thought spotlights made one blind.

We hid behind the H where we shared memories of all the crazy things we had done in our lives. James had been my best friend since forever, so we had a pretty long list. By the time we got to the end of it, we were three hours and twelve drinks further.

“You know, Kendall?” James started.

“What?”

“We still haven’t danced yet.”

It took a few moments for his words to get through but once I understood what he was saying I smiled. “Yeah, you’re right.”

He stood up and looked dizzy for a while. Then he took both my hand and pulled me up. I felt a warmth spreading through my loins and I wasn’t sure if it was James’ touch or the alcohol. He ran out of our hiding spot and dragged me with him in the movement.

“TONIGHT, TONIGHT!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. I could feel the people down the road turning their eyes to look up at us, but I was having too much fun to be embarrassed.

As soon as I recognised the song he was singing, I realised why he was singing it and joined him. “ _We’re dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign_.”

I listened to James singing about messed up weeks and strange tattoos and tried to do a second voice, but I saw him laugh at me. He was right, I thought. He was obviously the better singer of us two. Or at least, the better _drunk_ singer.

For one silly second I thought about how this song could be _our_ song, but I wasn’t sure if we could relate to all of it. But maybe that wasn’t even necessary. Maybe...

All of a sudden the world around me started turning and making me dizzy. I felt like throwing up so I decided to sit down for a while. I planned on carefully sitting down, but instead I just _fell_ on the ground, butt first. The cold earth felt good to my warm skin.

“Alright-io?” James asked, concerned. I smelt his breath but couldn’t quite make up what it was. Probably his last drink. One drink too much. Or two maybe.

“Yeah, I’m just lying down for a while. Taking a nap.”

We both laughed about that joke that wasn’t funny at all, and James fell down next to me. We looked up to the sky to look for clouds or stars but in the city of Los Angeles there were neither. The sound of racing cars and busy people was a nice background noise. Hollywood. Where dreams come true. Maybe the Hollywood-sign would be the perfect place to make dreams come through, but at that moment I couldn’t remember my dreams at all.

“Kendall?”

“What?”

“You like me.”

I opened my mouth, but had no clue what I was supposed to say to this. Usually I would have asked my best friend for advice, but since James was my best friend, that wasn’t an option at the moment.

“You really like me, you bastard.” He smiled at it, while gently pushing my arm.

“I – I guess.”

James screamed. “OF COURSE! Why didn’t you just tell me? I’m your best friend.”

“Yeah.” I looked at him with half open eyes. I could just kiss him. His face was close enough and I didn’t think I would get an opportunity like this again. I leaned in slightly, trying to keep my head and insides from exploding.

“But, like I said Kendall, you are my best friend. _Friend_.”

_Bam._

\--

So James didn’t like me? Okay, that was alright. He didn’t want to be with me? Fine with me! We would never end up together? It wasn’t the end of the world. Hell no. It was the end of the entire universe. Even in my drunk mood his bad news had had a big impact on me. It had sobered me up enough to leave. However, it hadn’t sobered me up enough to actually stand straight and walk away with dignity, so instead, I practically rolled off the hill. I would have laughed at it at any other moment, but I felt rather embarrassed when I got home with dirty clothes.

And now I was lying on my bed, all I could think was: _ironic_. I fell and hit the ground, literally. And honestly, it wasn’t even entirely James’ fault. Or maybe it wasn’t his fault at all. After all, I was the one who had fallen for him. I was the one who had gotten myself drunk. And I was the one who had leant in.

_Ironic_. Another song from _Jagged Little Pill_ that would never leave my head the next few days. That is, if I didn’t cheer up, but the only way for me to cheer up was if James came down here, got down on his knees and explained he had been joking. He would fall into my arms, but I’d make sure he would never _ever_ have to hit the ground, because I knew what it felt like and I couldn’t hurt him like that. I would kiss him and hold him until the night fell and a dark cloudless and starless sky covered us like a blanket. I didn’t like the fact that I was being a thirteen year old girl again, but it was happening.

James didn’t come. Saturday passed and Sunday passed and James never went down on his knees. In fact, he didn’t even call. Stupid girl magazines. They said nothing about heartbreaks, failures or boys who don’t call.

Wait.

Maybe they did. Maybe I just skipped over those lines, or pages, because I didn’t think they would be important at that moment. But maybe they were just full of ways to get over a bad mood, better ways than listening to sad music.

I sat up a little too quickly and felt the blood rise to my head, but the dizziness felt good. It felt like a Friday night at the Hollywood sign.

\--

A broken heart was a perfect excuse to eat lots of chocolate. Alanis Morissette was replaced by Colbie Caillait. I was still lonely and locked up in our apartment, but my depression was over. I wasn’t _over_ the fact that my crush didn’t answer my love, but I dealt with it, accepted it, learned to live with it.

I tried to stay calm with meditation and coffee. We had an appointment with Gustavo to record a new song the next day and I could never stand being in such a small room with James if I was as freaked out as Saturday, so I tried to calm down before Monday.

By the time I went to bed it was as if everything had never happened. Like I could wake up the next morning from a very bad nightmare that I could share with my bed friend, and live on. But I knew it was all real. That was the only dark cloud above a sunny day – and it was a big one.

Things were awkward at school, but I was able to avoid him. Get out of the class earlier than he did and hide in the boy’s room. Make sure he never caught me watching him. When we went to the studio, however, things got worse. Logan asked me where I had been during breaks all day and Gustavo wondered why I looked so pale. I blamed it on sleepless nights thanks to the Palm Woods ghost again. Carlos yelled and I saw Kelly raise an eyebrow at that argument, but I shut her up with one begging look.

The rest of the recording session went pretty okay, given the situation. I made sure I had the microphone that was the furthest from James’ and tried to focus on the tune and give my best. But I knew James was still better. Would always be better. He had proven that by singing at the Hollywood sign, drunk and totally on-key.

I spent the day in peace because I told myself to live with that attitude, to breathe before I act, but I knew one single wrong move or remark coming from James could turn me into a sobbing mess. I had to be so careful with myself.

\--

Somewhere I knew I was living a lie. Not acknowledging James’ presence was just a sign of how much it did to me. I would know I had gotten over him when I would be able to talk to him and tell him everything, like I used to.

On the other hand, things might have changed forever because of what I told him. Maybe he still wasn’t over it, too. There was too much to process, too much to think over.

I had fallen desperately for James Diamond. But as I knew so well, falling meant hitting the ground. If there would be no crash, there would be nothing about falling. Unfortunately, gravity pulled me down. Without gravity, I could never hit the ground, but without gravity, I could have never experienced the ecstasy of falling. I had fallen so many times, but I had never hit the ground this hard.


	3. Getting up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, this chapter is not really the best of all, but well. It's kind of pwp-ish. Sorry for that, and bless you, if you're reading it anyway :)

_Smashing on the ground is painful, but the trick is to get up and walk ahead. Staying on the ground will only make the pain worse. Life is always about getting up and moving on._

 

The more I told myself that everything was still okay, the more I started to believe that things would never be okay again. The more I told myself that everything was just a bad nightmare, the harder the facts came crashing into me.

I wasn’t sure if I was the one ignoring James or vice versa, but either way our lives had become awkward and stayed awkward for a very long time. When I still couldn’t look him straight in the eyes after a month, I started to wonder if it would ever get any better. To me, the only solution seemed to quit Big Time Rush and move back to Minnesota, where I’d spend the rest of my pathetic life working at the local super market, selling CD’s with James’ face on them.

The prospects made me feel down. Despite a months of useless sobbing, I realised I should fix this. Being rejected isn’t the worst thing in the world. It had happened to so many people and human race still hadn’t extinct. I could work this out, somehow. The only problem was I had no idea where to begin.

\--

Luckily fate didn’t desert me. On the 35th day of my heartbreak, Gustavo gave us the demo of a new song. We listened to it in the studio. Gustavo looked moody, like always, but I could see the satisfaction through that face. Kelly was all smiles, just like my fellow band members. I could hear my own voice, unhappy and bored, but no one seemed to care about that part. Of course not. James made up for all I lacked.

Gustavo had to leave early and James stole the only copy of the CD. I wasn’t eager to listen to it again, so I didn’t mind, although Logan and Carlos had been fighting about it at first. I went home, mood unchanged, and listened to U2 for a while. The apartment was empty, except for the sound of my solitude, when somebody knocked on my door.

It was James. He hadn’t knocked on my door since that evening I screwed up everything, but in some way nothing had change. Butterflies still went crazy and legs still got jelly whenever I looked at him. I turned into that hopeless schoolgirl again. The difference was that I knew better than to fall again. But _knowing_ is easier than _doing_.

“I thought you might want this.” In his left hand he held the only copy of our demo.

I shook my head. “It’s okay, you can have it.”

James looked disappointment, but I wasn’t quite sure why at that moment.

“Can I come in anyway?” he asked in a way that had me dying with love.

I had been mad at him, and I had been disappointed in him, and I had wanted to rip his pretty little head off, and I had hated everything he had done to make me so miserable, but I had never stopped loving him.

“Sure.”

After I offered him something to drink and he declined, we sat down on the couch. From the look on his face I could tell that he wanted to discuss something urgent. He remained silent, however, and I could feel the nervous tension growing in the air between us.

“Why don’t you like the new single?” he finally asked.

“I do like it, I really do,” I lied.

“Then why don’t you want to have it?”

“You sound so much better on it,” I admitted. This was the first normal conversation we had in ages. Or the closest to normal it would get.

James laughed my remark away. “We both know you’re the better singer of us.”

I looked at him in shock. Things had been completely strange between us lately, and may have lost him a little, but I still felt like I knew him, and I had never expected him to say something like _this_. He had been the one who wanted to become a singer in the first place. The fact that Gustavo had first picked me to become his new star didn’t change anything about his talent. James was still beyond perfect to me.

I shook my head, unable to speak any words, but James protested once again.

“No, Kendall, don’t say you’re not.” He swallowed hard before he continued. “Look. We’ve been the best friends for such a long time. I don’t want anything to come between us. Remember when you were twelve and had a new obsession every other week? Still you promised that nothing, _nothing_ would ever separate us. This is not any different. You can get over this too. We can get over this.”

I couldn’t be more shocked by his words. As if this was something I could just get over. Unfortunately I screamed my words of disgust out loud before even thinking about the consequences.

“Really James? Nothing different? I was twelve at the time. _Twelve_! I hardly knew what was happening when I loved cheesecake one week and fell for chocolate cake the next. I know the drill now and I knew it before you came in and told me. I don’t need you to tell me that.” I stopped screaming and anger turned to fear and sadness. “It’s just... I just thought you wouldn’t say that it’s just a phase. You’re not like that.”

The silence that followed made me and my screaming look even sillier, but worst of all was the look on James’ face. Confused. Disappointed. Hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and I regretted every single word I had said.

“No, it’s not your fault.”

Inside, I wanted to go over and hug the misery out of that boy, but I found no courage to act. Before I could do anything to take the pain away, he stood up and walked to the door. Just before pulling it shut, he said calmly: “People change.”

And I knew he was right. _People change._

\--

The good news was that we had had a conversation, which was a certain improvement. The bad news, however, was that it had ended up in a fight. Those were the first conclusions I had drawn. The rest of the conversation was still a blur I tried to figure out. For example: what had he meant by saying ‘people change’? The most logical explanation was that this was his reaction to my ‘you’re not like that’. Maybe he thought that I had changed, for some reason. Of course I had changed, but that wasn’t a strange thing, right? There was a small part of me that hoped it meant that he liked me back now, but I didn’t _truly_ believe that.

I had to solve that mystery. Also, I had to make up with James. I felt so guilty for screaming at him, that I could barely sleep, which is why I went over to his room the next day, after a long morning of collecting tiny bits of courage.

When I had knocked, the door was opened and I was glad to see it was James.

“Are you alone?” I asked and James nodded. “I just want to apologise for what I did yesterday. I shouldn’t have become so mad at you.”

James looked at me as if he wanted to ask ‘Really?’ and I nodded, saying: “Really.”

James smiled and somewhere, behind all lies and mask and changes, I could see a little peek of our old friendship coming back to us. Everything had become all dark and fear, but James was still the light at the end of the tunnel, like he would always be. That wasn’t a phase, I knew. It was one of the only things I knew for sure.

“Come in,” James proposed as he cocked his head towards his room and I gladly accepted.

I found my comfortable spot on the familiar couch and watched James’ movements as he sat down beside me.

After a few minutes of silence, James laughed lightly. “Did you really think I didn’t know?” After my confused look he explained: “That you were in love with me. I’m not as blind as you are. I knew the very instant. I probably knew before you did. Before your break up with Jo.”

I couldn’t believe this. He was right; he had known it long before I figured that my feelings were _love_.

“Really, James? All this time?”

“Always.”

\--

We whistled the same tune as we walked towards class. We took seats next to each other without asking. We shared looks and knew everything was okay. We were okay again. I was still madly in love, but I was able to put those thoughts aside. We politely refused Carlos’ offer to do something with him Logan and went to the game centre together, instead. We had a great afternoon and I slept great that night. Better than I had slept in months. I woke up with a light feeling in my head and I had breakfast like a king. Then we went to school together again and after that we went to the studio to record a new song for our upcoming album. We were stealing glances all the time and I finally sang my lungs out again.

In the evening we went out and watched the dark sky. No clouds, no stars, just the way we liked it. Simple. We were lying on his blanket and I could feel his arm resting against mine. Everything was back to normal, more normal than we had ever been.

“Kendall?” James asked carefully.

I looked at him with a satisfied smile. “Yeah?”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course! That’s what we’re best friends for,” I grinned while pushing his arm. I could make that joke now without things getting awkward and I realised I was so grateful for that – and for James’ existence in general – that I almost cried.

He smiled uncertain and he was beautiful. “I’m gay too. But don’t – just don’t.”

I leaned on my arm to look him in the eyes. His look was full of desperation, hope and questions. “I won’t,” I promised, gently replacing a lock of his hair.

He smiled. “You don’t even know what not to do.”

His eyes twinkled in the dark air and I fell in love once again. “Anything, I guess. Change.”

James shook his head before sitting up. “Well – that too, I guess. Just... don’t leave me. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t spoil this evening. Don’t – don’t kiss me. Or maybe don’t not kiss me.”

My brains had to process that sentence, both because it was grammatically illogical and because its meaning was unexpected. I hesitated, wondering to which part I should listen first, wondering if kissing him would spoil the evening, and if not kissing him would equal leaving him alone. My head start to dizzy as I realised there was truly no way to get around this safely, so instead of thinking rationally, I listened to my heart.

I leaned in carefully, giving James enough time to change his mind and back off, but he didn’t. He didn’t tell me that he wanted to stay just friends. Instead, he leant in closer. I watched his lips open a little, his tongue peeking out to wet his mouth, before it peeked back in. His eyes searched for mine insecurely and I tried to comfort him with the look in my eyes, although I was positive my eyes were more filled with desire than comfort.

When he was only a few inches away, I shut my eyes and closed the distance between our lips.

For a second, the world seemed to turn upside down, as if I was in a rollercoaster. Things became blurry, as if I were to wake up from a very nice dream, but when I backed off for a moment, James was still there – awake and beautiful.

“Is this okay with you?” he asked in a soft voice.

“Very much,” I answered and I could see the relief in his eyes, before I leant in for another kiss.

This time I took the time to enjoy it and take note of every detail. His wetted mouth was soft, the kind of soft you expected with James. He opened his mouth slightly, not enough to make room for tongues, but enough to turn me on. His hand went to the back of my neck, where he pulled me closer with great carefulness.

The hand I was leaning on became uncomfortable, so I sat in a new position and James followed my example. Then all I could think of was how I could get James closer to me, and I put both hands on his chest and gently pushed him down on the blanket. Our lips parted, our faces still close.

“Boyfriends?” I asked, nervous for the answer. I didn’t need the full, official ‘will you be my boyfriend’, because first and foremost, James was my best friends, meaning he understood me even when I used just one word.

“Yeah,” James smiled, making me smelt once again, before we resumed our kiss where we left off.

The cold but beautiful night was filled with kisses, hands all over and sweet words. And in that moment I promised myself that whatever happened in our lives: we would never change. _Ever._

\--

There was no logical explanation for the turnout of events, but I tended not to question something that was so good. James Diamond, not only the most handsome, but also the most _perfect_ guy I had ever met, was my boyfriend and I was his. That was a beautiful thought to wake up to. For a moment I believed everything had been a dream, until James came to pick me up for school.

When I opened the door, my butterflies woke up and they turned out to be very awake when James shyly kissed me on the mouth, adding: “Hey.”

Smiling was all I could do while I invited him to come in. Mom had just gotten up and had missed what had happened at the door – thank God. She took her bowl of oat meal to the couch where she settled herself, remote controller within reach. She watched this morning exercise show every day, laughing at the stupid girls who were silly enough to spend their mornings in tight clothes, sweating up at the gym in front of America. She never joined and I didn’t blame her.

James insisted on accompanying me to the bathroom and watching me brush my teeth. If he were the one tooth brushing, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him, but maybe that was just me.

Afterwards, we made out. Secret kissing in the bathroom, classic. I swore I could have stayed there forever.

\--

It was all there: stealing glances, subtle touching, passing notes. If James was a girl we would have kissing in the hallways during breaks, but he wasn’t, so I had to wait all day for him. Between school and recording sessions we caught a break. Since my mom was in our apartment we headed over to James’, where we got comfortable on his bed.

When I took firm hold of his T-shirt, he stopped me. “Before we get any further,” he started,” I’d like to point out that I’m not really ready to go any further.”

I smiled and let go of his shirt. “It’s okay,” I whispered, because things being okay was a key in our relationship. For some reason that was more important than things being good or great or perfect.

Our kisses became both more passionate and more innocent. We got lost in each other and forgot time.

\--

“Where have you been?” Gustavo screamed so hard that everyone in LA must have hear him.

“Guys, I’ve been calling you. We have limited time to record and your album is due in a month. You can’t just go around and come three quarters late!” Kelly added.

“We’re sorry,” James said for both us.

“It’s my fault,” I said randomly. Isn’t that what lovers do? Take the blame?

“No, it’s not, I – ”

James was interrupted by Gustavo. “Guys, we get it, everyone makes mistakes. Let’s move on and get you out of here and into that studio AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

I took James’ hand and run off to our box, before Gustavo could hurt us. We knew what he was capable of.

I found it hard to keep my hands and eyes off of James and focus on the song and it was crazy, because now that I thought about it, I had always been like this. The difference was that I was his now, and I was allowed to this, to stare at him and wink at him and dream about him. And I knew that once we were alone, he would be all mine again.

\--

“What made you change your mind?” I asked. My head lay on his chest. We were looking up at a familiar night sky, our small affections hidden by the ‘H’ in Hollywood.

“You did.” I could feel his chest vibrate as he spoke.

“How?”

“Well, you ignored me.”

I laughed at my own silliness. It wasn’t much of an explanation. Honestly, I still didn’t have any clue, but he went on.

“Look. I think I already kind of liked you before that night at... well, here. I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings, so when you were about to kiss me, I sort of freaked out.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “When you ignored me, it gave me time to think. Too much time. I thought things would become okay again at one point or another, but when they didn’t, I decided to fix us. Because honestly, at that moment I couldn’t really think of anything or anyone else. I just wanted to be with you.”

He put his arms around me and held me tight, while I hugged him back.

“Incredible how things work out,” I said.

“Yes. But in some way, not really.”

“Why?” I played with the fingers of his hand that rested on my chest.

“I know more about you than anyone else. I know you hate this town. I know you don’t like Big Time Rush and that’s why you don’t have our albums. I know you secretly like classic rock.”

I was pretty sure I had never told anyone these things, yet they were totally accurate.

“I’m right, am I not?” James asked when I didn’t respond.

I nodded. I knew he couldn’t see it, but I knew he felt it.

“You know what?” James sat up in a sudden, making my head fall off his body and on the cold hard ground. “Let’s go to your room and make out to some rock music of yours.”

The beautiful boy pulled me up, not waiting for my answer. He didn’t need to. He knew me well enough to know I would never decline an offer like that.

\--

James had turned up the volume, but I saw him change his mind when he heard Kurt Cobain’s loud voice through the speakers, and I turned it down again. Nirvana wasn’t the kind of music you could soften to a background noise level, though, but I guess it was okay with both of us. It was our compromise.

“I’d love to make out to your CD collection some time,” I mumbled between our lips, halfway down _Nevermind_.

“How about tomorrow, seven PM?” James said in an attractive voice.

“Sounds like a date.” I grinned against his lips as I let my hands wander over his back to that delightful body of his and as I moved down his ass, James made a very small noise I couldn’t quite place. To trigger that sound again I massaged him through his trousers. The unlabeled noise soon turned out to be small moans, half encouraging, half complaining.

“Stop it, Kendall,” he said, pushing my hands away. His was hot and flustered and he sat up.

“I’m sorry,” I said, aware of the line I had crossed.

“No, it’s okay. It’s just...” It wasn’t until he shifted his hips uncomfortably, that I understood what he was talking about. “You make me feel so hot and can’t do this and I really want to listen to other music when – you know.”

I grinned. “No, I don’t. What do you mean exactly?” I just wanted to hear him say it. Speak the words out loud.

“When we do _it_. Plus, I’m wearing really unsexy underwear and I’m having my period.”

I laughed and hugged James. I knew that these were just silly excuses for the fact that he wasn’t ready, and I knew he knew that. He was so cute and the best part was that he didn’t understand why he was so cute.

This moment was us. It described us so perfectly. Our friendship had never changed, even though we were lovers now. We were still honest, truthful, full of love and horny. But our tale wasn’t a simple love story, or romance, or fairytale. It was laughing over a shared plate of pasta in the candle light. It was skinny dipping in the early morning, sneaking past Bitters. It was dedicating that add lips to each other on new singles and dancing behind the H in Hollywood and compromising music taste. It was us.

\--

I felt obliged to tell mom I was gay. I had decided she should be the first person to know, then Kate and Logan and Carlos. The rest would follow soon enough. Katie couldn’t really keep her mouth shut, so I assumed the whole Palm Woods would be informed the day after I told her.

Mom took it pretty well. Since we were in LA she spent most of her time reading magazines and watching shows on TV and a great part of them were on how to deal with teenagers. Somewhere in that mess of hormones and other complications must have been an article on homosexual sons.

She told me it was okay, that she still loved me and that it made sense to her. That it wouldn’t change the way she looked at me and that she still loved me. That she would do anything for me because she still loved me. In short: she still loved me. Then she hugged me until I couldn’t breathe.

Logan was just as okay with it, but used a lot fewer words. He simply shrugged saying, “okay with me” and he invited me over to the snack bar, where I told Carlos.

“What kind of gay?” he asked and as he saw the look of confusion on my face: “Elton John-gay? Adam Lambert-gay? Marc Jacobs-gay? Into designer’s clothes or more into leather? Pink and rainbow and gay pride gay, or more artistic?” And when I raised an eyebrow: “I just want to know what to expect!”

He was really stupid, but he meant well.

“Just me, Kendall-gay. Nothing’s going to change. I’m not going to wear dresses or anything.”

Then he nodded and smiled.

Katie just said: “Cool.” Simple and cool as she was.

I gave James the time to come out himself and to most of our friends one and one made a couple. Some guests at the Palm Woods started acting annoying, but most of them were okay with it, as long as we didn’t ‘take it out in public’. Then there were some girls who said they would pay us if we made out in front of them, but we found it creepy and declined.

\--

_Tonight Tonight_ had become our song, just like I had somehow anticipated. It was to that very song James told me.

“I’ve given it a thought. I decided I want to take this to the next level. I want to sleep with you, Kendall.”

There was something extremely hot about that sentence. Maybe it was just the fact that he able to say it out loud now. To me, that meant he was ready.

“Okay,” I said smiling, letting the magazine we were reading together, drop.

“I’m more comfortable with it now that everybody knows.”

“Even though your mom...” I didn’t want to remind him of that video chat, but I felt like I had to.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “It’s not like I can restrain myself much longer.”

For most other people our conversations would seem awkward, but to us, planning sex was as normal as it would ever get.

“Friday night, seven at mine?” James proposed and I agreed. It was a Tuesday – an awful long wait, knowing what was at the end of the road. But we kept our promise. We only kissed and hugged until Friday and at seven strict I knocked on his door. When he opened, a nervous grin played on his face.

\--

I still smelled like shower gel when I came in. I hoped it wasn’t so much that it was off-putting.

“Hi,” I said, kissing James.

“I hope you’re hungry. I made us dinner. Italian food, remember?”

My eyes followed his pointed finger and on the table I saw one big plate of spaghetti, lighted by candles.

“You didn’t forget,” I whispered in disbelief.

“How could I?”

A romantic dinner _and_ sex. This guy was heaven.

“You are perfect,” I told him as he lead me to my chair.

The candles shone a beautiful light on his face, making my butterflies go crazy as he fed me spaghetti with a shared fork. We kissed as much as we ate, we held hands over the table, talk a bit, smiled a bit, touched feet under the table, let the tension grow between us before the thunder would come and the lightning would strike. Calm before the storm, it’s called.

We were able to delay it and let the anticipation grow – it was half past eight by the time we finished. James blew out the candles and tugged on my hand, whispering “Come” and leaving the dinner table alone.

His room was dark but he turned on a small warm light, spreading a orange-ish glow across the room. His bed was made up and the sheets were red – the colour of passion, I knew.

He tugged on my arms, pulling me into a careful kiss. I could feel him shaking a bit, traced the little bumps on his arms, entangled our fingers. I was nervous, but most of all I was excited. I loved James and this was something I wanted to share with only him. Giving myself away to a guy I had known for such a long time was a thing of beauty – it meant everything to me.

Our hands discovered each other’s upper bodies. James’ hands were strong but the tops of his fingers soft and sensitive, stroking my back. When I put one hand under his T-shirt, I felt him tense a little. James had always seemed so strong in my eyes, and I remember looking up to him even as a little kid. Seeing his softer, fearful side, made me feel like this was true, this was happening.

“It’s okay. It’s just me,” I whispered between our open-mouthed kisses.

“Wait,” he interrupted, leaving me hot and bothered. “I’ve made a special CD full of songs that will get us in the mood. A few are even rock. Or rock-ish.”

I held him in my arms. He had put so much effort in this and I could barely believe how beautiful he was, inside and out.

I carefully led him onto his bed, where I lay down next to him. I kissed his ear and made a path of kisses along his neck and shoulder to his collar bone. Just above that bone I sucked on his skin, leaving a red mark, a proof of my affection.

Again, I shove my hands underneath his T-shirt and he allowed it this time. I took a moment to watch his closed eyes before kissing him slowly, discovering the bare skin under his shirt with my fingers. I could feel him enjoy what I did as goose bumps arose on his body. His own hands found a way under my T-shirt where they shyly wandered around.

“You’re the rink to my skates,” I whispered, our lips still touching, and it was my way of saying ‘I love you’.

“And you’re the lucky comb to my hair.”

I felt his heavy breath against my face and thought about the incredible understanding between us two. It was like I was falling in love all over again, madly in love, but not only in love. I was falling in beauty, in desire, in need and in lust.

I pulled up James’ blue V-neck a little, inspiring him to do the same. My shirt was the first to fall on the floor and I saw his eyes move to my bare torso. I was shy and wanted to hide myself, but James smiled.

“You are beautiful,” he said in a low voice and all I could do was smile sheepishly.

I took off his shirt with slow movements and as it landed on the ground, I brought my lips to his ear, whispering: “You look flawless.”

I could feel him glow with happiness as our bodies pressed together.

Unbelievable how this was happening. Months ago I had wished for this to happen but in none of my dreams it had been this good.

James turned me around so he was on top of me, and no sooner than my brains could process the movement, he was trailing wet kissed down my body, touching me everywhere and nowhere at the same time and all I wanted was _more more more_. I looked down, breathed hard as I watched him move, focussed on every movement of his lips and focussed on me. To see James so occupied, so busy, so _fallen into something_ was the loveliest thing I had ever seen. But honestly, James was always lovely, no matter what he did.

\--

James was so beautiful. He wasn’t only the most handsome person I had ever met, he was much more than that. His face was pure beauty, lighting up whenever he smiled. His eyes had a happy glow in them and his bangs gave him a slightly darker look. He was all perfection; even his flaws were perfect to me.

And there he was next to me, tired and panting, catching his breath. His bangs stuck to his forehead with sweat and his eyes were closed, but he never lost that light of beauty to me.

I could watch him all night like this. How his chest rose and fell. How his Adam’s apple moved when he swallowed. How the blankets followed the curves of his body.

I took his hand in mine, afraid to lose it, to lose _him_ , and as I did, he looked at me, whispering with a voice that sounded broken from tiredness: “Thank you.”

I smiled at him. “Pleasure.”

He grinned. Usually we would have laughed about it, talked about it, joked about it a little more, but sleep was washing over us.

James nestled himself into my arms, as my eyelids fell shut unwillingly. A thousand words ran through my mind, but none came out, but from the sound of his breathing I could tell James was too fast asleep to hear them anyway.

\--

I woke up to the feeling of James playing with my hair. We were far into the day, telling from the sunlight that shone through the window.

“We are infinite,” James assured me and I took a couple of minutes to think that over and realise he was right.

I thought about the people I knew. Logan, Carlos, Katie, mom, James’s mom, Mr Bitters, Gustavo, Kelly, Jo, Bobby, Guitar Dude, the Jennifers, Buddha Bob. Suddenly I felt so weird, so aware of the fact that I had had sex. Then I thought about all the people that must have had sex at one point in their lives and felt dizzy and very silly to be part of that group now.

“We really did it, didn’t we?” I asked, just to be sure.

“Yeah, we did it,” James smiled slowly and I laughed. I peeked under the sheets and came to the conclusion we were still completely naked. We laughed, because it was funny, and then we laughed because we were the best thing that ever happened.

I turned my head to glance at him. “You’re the only one I’d do this with, you know? The only one. Ever.”

“Same here,” he assured me.

\--

We cuddled up against the headboard of James’ bed, all intertwined and cosy. When I went to the kitchen to make us breakfast, I had to struggle my way out of James’ strong arms. When I had kissed the last pieces of jam off his mouth, I decided it was time for me to tell him how I felt. How the hopeless romantic and the pathetic schoolgirl and the best friend and the depressed Alanis-fan in me felt. I needed him to know everything, because he was everything now.

“I bet you remember all the obsessions I’ve ever had,” I started, collecting breadcrumbs and throwing them off the sheets. “Maybe not the exact details, but you must remember how they came and went.”

James nodded and I continued: “I must admit this felt like another one. I fell into obsessions like I fell in love with you, I thought. Falling is falling, I believed, there was no difference. But then I fell pretty fast and I thought I was going to crash. And at one moment I was pretty sure I had crashed.

James smiled as he looked at the ground in shame, knowing exactly what I was talking about. But luckily, we could both laugh about it now.

“I was so afraid to hit the ground. But it’s like that song from the Eighties, or something. You fixed my broken wings and taught me to fly again. Thank you.”

“That’s not how the song goes,” he said, but from the glow in his eyes and the smile on his lips I could tell he was touched. He didn’t need to say that.

“I know. But thanks anyway.”

Suddenly James came up to me and pushed me down on the bed, hugging the air out of my lungs.

“Pleasure,” he giggled into my neck.

I embraced him with all of my strength, feeling our bodies mend: it wasn’t clear where mine ended and his started.

In his ear I whispered: “We are infinite.”


End file.
